Torah/תורה: October 2005 Archives

One of my oldest friends has asked me to officiate at his wedding. After our initial telephone conversation, I BCCed an email to several rabbi friends. I'm putting together resources, and am planning to rather them here. One response from a progressive Rabbi with Conservative Ordination: >As for basic texts--get Anita Diamant's New Jewish Wedding for simple explanations. You can also try the book Lifecycles for creative wedding ideas. There's also a book called the Cretaive Jewish Wedding Book with old and new traditions (Gabrielle Kaplan-Mayer). Also look at the weddings, ketubot, etc. on www.ritualwell.org. For mysticism, there are some great passages in the Zohar; try 8a, 48b, 215a for starters. >For questions--it's nice to ask the couple how they met and what they love about each other, to see if you want to weave some of their story into the wedding. You might want to ask what are the most meaningful parts of the wedding to them. Make sure you get all the Hebrew names and dates so you can fill in the ketubah properly. Also, let them explore the wedding ceremony as fully as they can.... The following came from an Orthodox rabbi (I loved receiving these two emails back-to-back): >As far as book go, it depends if you are looking to do a halakhic wedding or not. The best book for a halakhic wedding is called Hanissuim K'hilchatam. To my knowledge it doesn't exist in English translation, but maybe you could learn through it.... >In terms of questions to ask them, I will forward you a marriage registration sheet that I made for couples whom I marry and you should ask them to fill it out. >Here are some areas you need to look into: 1. The witnesses for the tennaim (if you are doing a tennaim), k'tubah, kiddushin, nissuin and yichud need to be male, sabbath observant people. B'dieved, i any of the witnesses are not kosher the kiddushin still take hold, but it's ideal to have super kosher witnesses. 2. Make sure the groom is not a cohen. If he is make sure his bride to be has not been divorced and is not a convert. If he is and they are, call me. 3. Make sure that the groom is the one purchasing the ring, and that it is without Jewels. A simple gold ring is the best. You should ask to see it before the wedding. 4. Make sure the couple signs a prenup before the wedding. You can order a copy from the RCA. It needs to be notarized by a notary public, and teh couple's lawyer should look it over before the wedding. 5. Get some dummy copies of all neccesary documents. If they are using teh traditional nusach you can purchase very nice dummy copies from the RCA for about $20. If they are using text other than the traditional nusach you can dowload copies online. 6. Make sure you know the Hebrew names of all parties involved directly with the wedding. 7. The Sheva Brachot under the chuppah should halakhically be said by men, though translations can be said by women. The sheva brachot at benching can be said by women in Hebrew. 8. Ask the couple for some family heir loom kiddush cups to use at the wedding. It's ideal to have two cups, one for kiddushin, and one for nissuin. 9. Ask the chattan if he wants to wear a kittel, and if he wants to daven mincha with vidui the afternoon of his wedding. 10. Find out if there are any step parents. Sittuations can get sticky when there are tense family dynamics. For example, the chattan may not want his birth mother under the chuppah because she stirred things up when he was young and he harbors resentment. You need to be aware of all the sticky family dynamics that can arise. 11. I personally don't do a wedding unless the Kallah has gone to the mikveh first. If you want to talk about timing her tvilla with me give me a call. The easiest thing to do is to have the kallah go on birth control a few months before the wedding so that she will not menstruate at all near the wedding date. Then she can go to the mikveh the Friday or Sat. night prior to the wedding. 12. You need to identify who the witnesses are to the exclusion of all others (this is called yichud haeidim). This can be done by asking the chattan who his witnesses are. If you are not using kosher witnesses this is irrelevent.